insatiableme

"the true dream is being able to dream at all"

2007-05-05T07:06:00.000+08:00

We all have dreams, dreams from when we were little, dreams of a great job and a happy family. But happiness doesn't come from achieving those dreams. How do you define 'great', or 'happy'? Where is the benchmark? Perhaps when we achieve those dreams, we wish to wake up instead.

But rejection is the worst. Having someone tell you that your dream is never going to happen. Having to choose between your dreams.

Things are never simple or straightforward, are they?

waiting.

2007-04-16T22:05:00.000+08:00

what am i waiting for? all the minutes, and the hours, and the days tick by, but where am I? I seem to be consumed by inertia.

I must start work now. now. NOW!!

argh. someone save me.

mistakes

2007-03-30T19:27:00.000+08:00

Wow, its been such a long time since I last blogged.

Perhaps I'm just too lazy to type. Or perhaps there are many things I cannot say and don't want to say. Friends who are close enough to me are updated on a regular basis... and the more private aspects of my life are on a need-to-know basis for the rest of the world. Things have become alot more complicated over the past year and it is better that my thoughts and feelings are not aired.

But I am well. There have been many ups and downs these past couple of months. Perhaps more downs than ups, but c'est la vie right? I have learnt to take things in my stride, and not to sweat the small stuff. Patience was never my forte in the past, but I have been complimented as being patient!! (woohoo! small victory for vic! =D)

I guess we are all trying to be a better person than we were yesterday. Trying to move forward, trying not to look back and brood on the mistakes from the past, trying to find happiness. We all make mistakes, that is what makes us human. But to learn from those mistakes would make us better people.

To love, to hope, to trust. That's my "for now" plan =)

just one of those days

2007-02-05T23:47:00.000+08:00

You know the kind that just gets you down?

I woke up (oddly) freezing under my king-sized duvet, and had to haul myself out of bed to go for lecture. The hormones have been zapping my sanity recently, and I just felt irritable and snappy. And then. The boyfriend got angry at me. To be honest, it is not a recent issue, and is a matter of great friction and unhappiness between us. Well, for him actually. But if he's unhappy, it makes me sad too! But anyhow, there doesn't seem to be a viable solution to the problem, and thus it will persist.

And now, here I am, in the Portland Building, waiting for the MSS meeting to start. Unfortunately, I would have to leave halfway to attend the (5pm!) Trust lecture. The 2nd one of the day. Urgh.

Tonight, I just want to go home, crawl into bed with a glass of red and a good movie. Or perhaps I should find a big hole to hibernate in, and only re-emerge when the world seems like a better place.

C'est la vie!

Love,
Vic

why?

2007-01-14T05:06:00.000+08:00

It has been so long since I posted. Somehow, when you have things to occupy your mind and time, blogging doesn't seem that important.

***

Why do we push away those who are the most dear to us for fear of the power and control they have over our feelings, but end up feeling empty and lost when they finally leave? Do we not know how much we hurt them by doing so?

Why can't we open our hearts without fear and skepticism, and trust that the other person will not abuse the love and power we have given?

When we have fallen, when do we feel confident enough to brush the sand off our skinned palms and knees; to walk again?

Why do we sometimes believe that we are not deserving of happiness?

Is there a pivotal moment, where you have an epiphany and decide that life is worth living and loving after all, or is it a gradual process where someone takes your hand and leads you gently forward? Will we let them or will we fight them?

"Can you help me?
Can you let me go
And can you still love me
When you can't see me anymore..."

thoughts on a cold winter night..

2006-11-29T06:56:00.000+08:00

You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

am I so blessed? heh.

***

I just love the smell of freshly laundered bed linen. All set and ready for me to crawl into bed, wrap my king-sized duvet (on a queen size bed!) around me, and fall asleep nice and toasty on a cold winter night. Ah, the little pleasures in life. =)

I like my life now. Having my own room, having time for myself and learning about independent all over again. For the past two years I've been relying on Mark to be my handyman, but now I feel like I'm learning how to do things myself. I like being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. This is what I will miss the most when I go home. True, home is home, and that is the main reason why I want to go back to Singapore. I have learnt to appreciate and miss home much more because I am away. But under my parents' roof, I have to be accountable to them, and follow their rules.

Does having to be accountable and following rules make me any less, well, me? Well, I don't know. But I like having space I can call my own, and having to only be accountable to myself (and ofcourse, my loverboy).

***

What does money mean to you? For me, it has always been a means by which to make me happy. Ofcourse, there are many emotional and spiritual joys that money cannot buy, but I would use it to give me what little happiness it can. I have always felt that I would spend the money if it could enhance an experience. But fundamentally, it is but a bonus. A hawker meal with the right person could be an experience of a lifetime, but if you could have a meal at a romantic restaurant with privacy, candles and soft music, wouldn't it enhance the experience? I think spending money in that way is justified. If buying a bag can make me happy everytime I use it, then it is justified as well! =) I appreciate that I still can feel happiness at accumulating material possessions, at finding a bargain or falling in love with a dress. To me, it would be sad to get to the point where I have nothing more to work towards, and it all loses its lustre.

At heart, I am a practical girl. It wouldn't matter if I were staying in a HDB flat, or a condo, if I am staying with someone I truly want to be with. Why spend money paying for a condo you can ill afford? Does it make that much of a difference? At least to me, it doesn't.

I would rather you shower me with attention, and give me little gifts than ignore me the whole time and try to make it up with a huge present. Don't get me wrong, I love receiving presents, especially those in a robin blue box! (heh) But showing that you care and love me and that I'm your priority would make me happier.

I hope that these things about me don't change, and I don't morph into this materialistic, status-obsessed workaholic in the future. Lets hope that this post exists to remind me of who I was if that time really comes.

22 days more!!! How time flies.. why can't it fly faster?! >_<

C'est la vie

2006-11-24T09:15:00.000+08:00

inhale...

exhale.

inhale...

exhale.

Our lives just seem to pass us by, between these two actions. Perhaps I can be something more in my next breath, perhaps I will squander it with recklessness. You mean well, but I can never be good enough. It's depressing.

The water hits my forehead, and flows down my face like a miniature waterfall. I hold my breath and close my eyes as the water runs and runs. Suddenly I am somewhere else and I am someone else. I pull away and gasp for air. Inhale, exhale.

Perhaps I can never be who you want me to be. Can you accept me that way? Perhaps you can never forget her. Should I accept that?

Inhale... exhale. The only constant is the passage of time.

"rehi"

2006-11-14T03:34:00.000+08:00

It's hard to start blogging again when I haven't done so in such a long time. It's like homework, when the backlog starts to pile up, it seems daunting to even begin. It's so ironic, as well, that when I have the time to write my life is uneventful, but when things start to happen I'm too tired to contemplate writing.

"I'm filled with confidence when I begin, but at the end of a writing night I'm left to wonder if other writers feel that way I do - that with each letter, word, phrase, sentance, paragraph, I'm digging a toehold, gripping a rock, a fool on a mountainside, alone and ill-equipped, a disastrous fall more likely than a gloried ascent. Why did I start climbing? Where am I now? Who gives a shit if I reach the summit?"
- "The Girls" by Lori Lansens

Sometimes I feel just like that. Like what I will be writing is just the tip of the iceberg, there is so much to say and the emotions so rich that I can't possibly give it justice. With all the restrictions on the World Wide Web, I feel that my fingers are tied. Even without, sometimes words don't suffice.

I would hate for my blog to be one of those "I did this today, and I'm gonna do that tomorrow" kind of blogs. Mundane and filled with senseless moaning. I'm not judging those people who enjoy and write those blogs, I just don't want mine to be like that.

***

I've surprised myself by how patient I can be. I guess ever since the ex-from-hell, I have learnt to be alot more tolerant, but far colder than I was. But it is different this time. Laughter and tears are commonplace, and I feel alive. He makes me feel human, and not cold and detached. I love it that he can make me really happy and really sad. =) It has really been too long, and I'm glad I held my breath and took the plunge.

38 days to go!!

(oh dear, I'm turning into one of those sappy, romantic people who wax lyrical about their love lives online. but what the hell, it's my blog.)

XXOO

photo-entry of my summer..

2006-10-22T01:28:00.000+08:00

Narcissism is in my blood.

The hallway at The resort at Sentosa. A seemingly endless walk amidst pagodas and cream coloured columns. Too many great memories, and embarassingly funny ones. =x

Claire! Singapore misses you and so do I.. *hugs*

Our resort in Phuket. =)

A walk along Karon beach. I wish I could be there now, with you.

Breathtakingly beautiful sunsets.

to love.

2006-10-19T01:27:00.000+08:00

We all emerge from experiences a little bruised, chipped or broken. None of us are flawless and without emotional hang-ups. But when two people come together to share something as beautiful as love, we have to accept and love our partners for their imperfections. We take the chip off each other's shoulders, slowly break down emotional walls and delve into the other person's psyche to discover and understand what we have felt all along - that they have something special in them. But to psycho-analyse the feelings of love, to break the magic up into little practical pieces of information, to me, ruins the experience. Love is never rational, or fair, nor can it be explained. It is an obsession, a little volcano of emotions erupting, constantly, inside of me. To ask if you do things that make you love him, or you love him thus you do things is nothing more than a fruitless endeavour and a cyclical argument.

I would think the magic of love is akin to that of any other art form. Take for example, literature. I have read voraciously since I could read, and the magic is in being able to be transported into another universe just through words. As a child, I remember sitting on the floor of Popular Bookstore or MPH, reading through stacks of books, waiting for my parents while they grocery shopped at a nearby supermarket. I read everywhere, in the car (explains my 500 degree myopia), in the toilet, at family gatherings, you name it, I've read there. I remember the first day of my Prepatory Year in Tao Nan with startling clarity. I was anticipating many "Ladybird" books that I hadn't read, but was met instead with the same old titles. Needless to say, I was devastated.

But when I was in school, the system was bent on disecting the book, the paragraphs and the sentances. Every pause had to have a specific meaning, something the author wanted to convey. The choice of words were important because there was always a hidden meaning. But to me, these things add to the general atmosphere of the text, it is subtle, nuanced. The magic in it was to let these nuances affect you subconsciously, to let it lead you into the created world of the author. I hated the butchering of a thing of beauty.

But above all, the best thing to do is actually live IN the magic. Which is what I plan to do this Christmas, in Paris, in the long-awaited arms of the man I love. =)

updates

2006-09-30T23:28:00.001+08:00

Hey guys,

So much has happened since I last posted. I left Singapore, flew to London, went to NY for a week(!!!), and came back to notts after that. I'm well settled into my new house and school is starting next week.

Emotionally, I'm happy and stable now. Mark and I broke up over the summer, and I'm with someone else now. Although an LDR is difficult (and I'm sure I'll blog more on the perils of embarking on such an endeavour), but we are coping quite well. All hail to technology! haha. My baby is what I want, need and have been searching for.

Vic

p.s. keat wrote the last post himself! haha =D

My Wonderful Housemate

2006-09-29T05:54:00.000+08:00

I just wanna say a couple of words.

I wanna shoutout to my housemate KEAT, for being the awesomest dude in the world.

U see, he steals my internet and says thanks.

He uses my IDD card and says thanks.

He makes me print stuff for him and guess what? He says thanks again.

Its like he's so polite!

What a nice guy.

ALL HAIL HOUSEMATES LIKE HIM!

Nothing, but everything

2006-09-09T04:11:00.000+08:00

Packing up my life once again
Compartmentalising; sorting; packing away
Picking up the shreds of my existance
placing them in a suitcase

A top here, a book there
A life here, transplanted elsewhere
Nothing has changed
but everything.

Am I ready to leave tomorrow?
By leaving, what am I losing?
The room goes misty, surreal
My two lives will collide.

if only...

2006-09-07T14:59:00.000+08:00

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go

Somewhere only we know?
keane - somewhere only we know

But a dream, immortalised in a song. There can never be a "somewhere only we know", but there can be a moment only we share. These are the snapshots, kept close to my heart, that will keep me going. The memory of the cool evening breeze on my face and in my hair, just the two of us standing on that bridge. Lights everywhere. My hand in yours.

don't believe everything you hear about me

2006-09-01T01:08:00.000+08:00

There was a really dark period of my life, way back when I was 14. My class hated me, and I felt alone and really sad. It was a stupid incident that sparked it off, and I admit I was partially at fault. But, as they say, children can be the most cruel. I would buy lunch back from a nearby food centre, and eat in front of the tv. I ate a bar of Cadbury's almost everyday.

I write this not for you to pity me. I don't regret that time, because it has made me so much stronger and more aware of my identity.

People say what they want to say, and believe what they choose to believe. Nothing I do or say can change their minds unless they are willing to do so in the first place. Futhermore, I can't please everyone, nor do I want to try. So I have learnt to laugh off what people say about me. They don't know me at all, who are they to judge? I am who I am, and if you actually get to know me, you will find out that I am not what they say. So long as I have friends and family, who love me for me, and who don't think there is anything seriously wrong with me, I am good. I don't need the world to love me. Even if I made everyone else happy, what use would it be if being someone else made me sad?

Reputations are built on the shaky game of broken telephone. Sure, there is no smoke without fire, but just because I like to wear my skirts short does not mean I sleep around. Just because I am friendly and sociable does not mean I'm easy.

Doesn't it seem contradictory? The fact that I claim to not be affected by rumours and "reputations" but I'm blogging about it.

I don't give a shit. But when someone I love is affected by what people say, that makes me sit up and listen. To you it may be nothing, just a random comment. Distorted and spiced up, with no concrete proof. Do you care if it hurts someone? Do you care if it places doubts in the mind of someone I love? I'll bet you never even thought about it.

To everyone out there: if I have ever been mean, bitchy or obnoxious to you, I apologise. But tell me, so I know. If I have never done anything to you or I don't even know you, then stop judging me because you have no right at all.

To you: love me for the person you have come to know, and not judge me for the person other people say I am.

Life is never fair

2006-08-16T14:19:00.000+08:00

Three months of beautiful, glorious sunshine; no essays, no tutorials, no rush; no responsibilities. A summer of cheap shopping, beach holidays and catching up with old friends. Perfection, no?

Well, not quite.

The "liberation" is suddenly alot less appealing when you can't make promises beyond the first week of September. Words I wish I didn't have to say, emotions I wish I didn't have to feel. Promises I can't make, promises I have to keep. Sigh, but that's the way the cookie crumbles.

It seems like I'm living parallel lives, one in Notts and one in Singapore. Time seems to stop at each one when I'm in the other, and the first night is always the hardest. I wake up in one bed and fall asleep in another. Both seem to be "home" already, so where is home?

The difficulty is in reconciling the two - when the moment of "crossover" beckons. It's like being tied to a bomb, waiting for it to explode, trying to savor your last moments.

2006-08-11T16:23:00.000+08:00

Love is a smoke made with the fumes of sighs;
Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes;
Being vexed, a sea nourished with lovers' tears;
What is it else? A madness most discreet,
A choking gall and a preserving sweet.

Shakespeare. Romeo and Juliet 1.1.191 - 5

claustrophobia

2006-08-07T23:17:00.000+08:00

Stifled gasps
vibrate through the dense air.
Struggling, choking,
rivulets to nowhere.

Walls, walls, walls, walls!
Mirrors reflecting themselves.
A dozen reflections
highlight my imperfections.

The battle scars
etched behind my eyes.
The smile that hides
the hurt deep inside.

Emptiness pervades.
Twisting, writhing.
Leaving me with nothing.
I hear the cry of the sea.

***

Just a super melacholic poem that I wrote when I was with the ex-boyfriend-from-hell (2003). I wish I could write again.

p.s. Jon - I'll take you up on that PC offer. Have a field day with this =)

There is no darkness, only the lack of light.

2006-07-23T23:44:00.000+08:00

Why is it always so difficult to do what you think is right; to make your point; to stand your ground?

Why do I always have to be strong, to be in control, to hold the fort? Sometimes I just want to be vulnerable, to be cared for, to have someone tell me that things will be taken care of.

Sometimes I just want to be able to cry. I want to release the pent-up emotions - the anger, hurt, frustration and confusion behind the laughter and wit.

But I can't.

I want to scream.

But I can't.

I am who I am. But who am I?

wierd

2006-06-29T04:29:00.000+08:00

Out of pure curiosity, I went to check who linked to me.. and out of the 4 (gah!), two of them came from postmoderncourtesan.com!! Although I am a regular reader of her fascinating blog, but I don't remember ever linking her! Haha.. this is so wierd! You guys can go check it out, under her "linking to the linkers" category, I am "I'm a girl with Attitude". (Now, where did THAT come from?? I CANNOT possibly have written that, right....???)

Ok, too many exclamation marks.

Just came back from a pseudo-clubbing session at MOS. Pseudo because it was the worst clubbing experience ever. Too bad to be even classified as a clubbing experience. Shots were going at $12.50 (!!!!), house pours at $13.50 and jugs at $50. Now, the last time I went to Double O, I paid something like $12 for 6 shots!!! Yeah ok, Double O is reknown for its cheap alcohol, but MOS is seriously overpriced. Furthermore, the music in the main arena was undanceable, causing Z-our resident music snob- to cover his ears and make a bee-line for the exit. The music in the retro room was quite good, but it was really quiet and we did not have enough alcohol in our system (see above) to break the ice on the dance floor. The decor of MOS is really nice, but they should really work on the music and pricing departments.

We then adjorned to Lau Pa Sat for supper and a lengthy but interesting and entertaining chat session (haha sounds like one of those phone chat nonsense right?). The $12 spent on 20 sticks of satay and 2 ketupat was infinitely better value than a shot at MOS.

2006-06-25T01:58:00.000+08:00

Which do you think is more important, passion or stability?

The chirpy, extroverted, idealistic, often-shown side of me will answer without a doubt - passion. But there is another side, a more melancholic, passive, jaded, domestic side that prefers the comfort and ease of stability.

Are these two mutually exclusive? To a certain degree I guess. You can't be very stable and very passionate, the optimum is somewhere in between. Everything in moderation, but the only constant in change, no? (hurhur)

Whilst the boy is in Perak for a couple of days, I have informally polled by friends on this topic. The response has ranged from "passion of course!", to "I don't want to get involved", to "hm.. this is a difficult topic", to "you know I will choose security (read: how can you be stupid enough to decide otherwise?!)".

Hopefully all these will sort itself out.

-------------------------------

Sometimes I really don't know what to (or not to) write here. You can't censor the internet, anyone can be reading this. It's a tug-of-war between my (inately) voyeuristic and exhibitionist side, and the I-know-I-can-be-too-honest-and-that-will-get-me-in-trouble side. Perhaps that's why I haven't been posting so regularly.

One thing I have learnt from law school - don't dig your own grave. Once you have decided to spill your guts on the internet, you are asking for whatever punishment comes your way. ALWAYS COVER YOUR ASS!!! hahaha...

love, Vic

home sweet home

2006-06-10T03:54:00.000+08:00

Its surreal being home. After 3 days it still feels pretty much like a dream, like I have been living in an alternate universe for the past 6 mths. Singapore feels so new, yet so familiar. Nottingham feels like another plane, another world altogether. I woke up in one bed, and fell asleep in another.

*whine alert*
I was previously able to get wireless internet access, pirated off a neighbour. But this neighbour seems to have wisened up to the fact and controlled access to the network. So although I can receive the signal, I can't access the internet. This means that I can no longer access internet in my room, through my mac!!! argh!!! I have to go to the computer room and painstakingly type this out on my dad's old com. bleargh. And all my bookmarks are in my lappie!!!! booo.. sigh. perhaps I should buy an internet wireless thingy.. =(
*done whining* =)

I've been meeting up with a couple of friends over the past few days, and it's good to be back. For all of you friends out there who would like to meet up this hols (till sept), just drop me a tag and i'll get back to you. the number has been changed cuz I terminated my last contract. Oh yeah, and for everyone who drops buy, just leave me a tag ok? *smile*

love, hugs and kisses,
vic

transiting in KLIA

2006-06-06T18:38:00.000+08:00

sitting at the starbucks in KLIA, sipping this new fangled lemon tazo green tea thingy.. (only reason im here is that starbucks has wireless internet!! the bloody drink costs 1150 RM!!)

im so excited at the prospect going home that i can barely sit still... even after having.. probably.. 7 hrs sleep in the last 2 days. hurhur. must be the adrenalin keeping me going..

our little road trip down to London was a mini-nightmare! but don't worry dar, i don't blame you ok?? (saccharine sweet smile) i'll blog about this some other time when im not watching the clock..!!

kk love you all!! will be back soon~~~~~

XXOO vic

byebye notts

2006-06-05T15:54:00.000+08:00

a sense of emptiness. my room has been swept of familiarity. everything is in boxes.

so many people i will probably never see again... feels like a goodbye, but i know i'll be back (hurhur)

vic

p.s. packing is a bitch!!

updates

2006-05-26T23:43:00.000+08:00

I've been in a state of limbo. My law exams finished on Monday (with Land Law.. urgh) and my next exams is on the 1st of june. Film. haha.. 20 "what is.." qns. I know I should start reading up for it.. but the draw of the inner slacker seems to great sometimes =x

Qing, Mark and I went to watch the Da Vinci Code yesterday. It was alright, but I felt the book was much better. And the movie seems to be quite liberal with its creative directions.. hm. not sure if i liked that. I always imagined Langdon to be more handsome, perhaps a Richard Gere type. Tom Hanks just didn't seem to cut it. =( I kept thinking of him in Forest Gump! bah.

J recently emailed and friendster-messaged me. It was really abrupt, after all so much time has passed. It seems wierd to hear from him again, after all that happened, and the wierd (edit: sorry typo! its weird yeah? hm.. still don't know how to do the strikethrough thingy =x) nonchalent way it ended. Not to mention the fact that he didn't seem too keen to meet up with me the last time I was back. Ah well. He seems to make it a habit of appearing and disappearing.

But it doesn't matter anymore, because I am not that young, lovesick girl I once was. There were no butterflies in my tummy, and my heart didn't skip a beat. Having taken off my rose-tinted glasses, he has become so mortal. To tell the truth, it was more a *raised left-eyebrow* kinda moment. haha =D

It's interesting how I don't usually keep in contact with my exes. I like having a fresh start, without emotional baggage. Keeping in contact with an ex just brings back memories, both positive and negative. I think memories are best stored in a little corner of my heart, taken out when I'm daydreaming; or when something, someone or some place jogs my memory.

But perhaps it is also due to the fact that, apart from the recent few, the rest were little more than flings.

Ok, off to see Xmen 2(edit: Xmen3!! p.s. stay till after the credits!) now!! *yay*

hugs and kisses,
ViC

at the beach in athens!

2006-05-13T00:20:00.000+08:00

Watch Qing try to get out of her sandy constraints! muahaha. We are plain evil! =D

We did this at a private beach in Athens after paying $%^&&@£* alot of money to get it. It was worth it tho. The sand was soft (and not gravelly like at the other free places) and the people were relatively more beautiful. (no old balding greek men in their speedos playing ball!!) The water was blue, clear, refreshing and REALLY salty. It was great just to lie there and enjoy the sun, sand and sea. bliss.

If it doesn't load, try this.

this and that

2006-05-07T04:46:00.000+08:00

I was not talking about my own relationship with the boy when I posted on the 11th of April. But having read it over, I understand why some people think so. So this is just a wee clarification that my relationship is going strong (after 1.5 years), and we are NOT in a loveless relationship. =)

Anyway, thanks for your concern everyone, I feel the love and the concern!! But to "-": I think the boy is THE absolute best boyfriend I've ever had. Bar none.

---------------------------------------

Complain time:

It is just SO difficult to study when the weather is so beautiful outside. The sun is shining (yeah, from 5am - 9pm!), the birds are chirping, and it is not so humid that you sit and sweat everytime you step out! Oh yeah, and the ants and mosquitoes are out too! haha

The past couple of days, I've been parading out of the house in my vast array of seldom-used (in this country) miniskirts and shorts. The feeling of the sun on my skin never felt so good! It is plain torture forcing us to study in this heavenly weather.

Actually I would rather it be cold and miserable, then I would be content fossilizing at home.

Ah well.

Oh, oh! I bought a pair of Miss Sixty heels today from TK Maxx! They were going for 20 pounds only!! So pretty! haha, I take pleasure in the little things that life provides.

Ta~

my very first tag post

2006-04-29T23:19:00.000+08:00

seven random facts about me
1) i just finished one whole orange subconsciously.
2) i went to dunman high.
3) i love short skirts =)
4) i am horribly honest. too honest for my own good
5) regardless of what the boy says, i can never have too many bags *evil laughter*
6) i can manage my money quite well.. in Notts. haha
7) i love soups - the warm, homely, satisfying liquid in my tummy is bliss..

Jon's seven random facts about vic (i was too lazy to think about seven random facts about myself, but i did it! see above! hee)
1) you're a good conversationist. (if ever, there's such a term)
2) you're from vjc
3) you've got a good head on your shoulders
4) you've got a supp credit card
5) you've got a boyfriend (sigh)
6) you're shorter than me
7) you read law in the university
-aw.. i wish-

seven celebrity crushes
1) ok, this is incredibly embarrasing, but my first celeb crush was Chen Hanwei. I was 7 or sth, gimme a break! I remember he was wearing a leather jacket, had long hippy (but smooth) hair, and was riding a motorbike. *cringe*
2-6) when i was 11, i decided that celebrities were just people. While i can admire them for their talent and looks, they are ultimately mere mortals. nothing to go screaming at Changi Airport at 3am for
7) that said, i thought beckham was REALLY cute. When he had the blond floppy hair =)

seven qualities i want in a potential boyfriend/girlfriend
1) reliability (too many 1 mth flings)
2) honesty
3) sense of humor
4) proximity (LDRs dont work for me)
5) chemistry (duh)
6) at least average looking (so i'm shallow. sue me)
7) wow, i have so many wants?

seven things that scare me
1) myself, sometimes.
2) drowning
3) my doubts
only 3? im a brave girl! =)

seven things i plan to do before i die
1) bungee jump
2) be somebody
3) have children
4) go on a road trip. without my parents. hur hur
what can i say? i'm a simple girl. heh heh

seven things i say the most
1) you arnt the brightest bulb in the chandelier, are you?
2) so sue me
3) oh my gawd! (yes, in the nasally american way)
4) oh shit.
5) boo
6) haha (on msn)
7) hey

-------------------------------------------------

so yeah, I'm not going to tag anyone cuz im not really into this tag business. i only did it cuz im bored/jon tagged me. =)

exams are just round the corner, and i'll love to whine and whine, but i've used up all my whine credits on the boy. i'm all whined out. haha..

i'll blog soon.. now its just back to the books.

here's a quick photo of us in athens: from left: qing, keat, me and mark

more on greece next time!

ta~

2006-04-11T10:00:00.000+08:00

"it is a loveless relationship, but I have to find the right time to break up with her"

What? What is the right time? There is only the moment where you make up your mind, put your foot down, take a deep breath and take the plunge. The mythical "right time" is just that. A dream, where you don't have to make difficult choices, where life is a box of Godiva chocolates, where I am 170cm and have C cup boobs.

It will hurt the same whether you procrastinate or not. In fact, it will hurt even more when you lure her into a false sense of security and then drop the bombshell.

It is the prime of your life! Every second you waste is every second you regret when you are 80, toothless and peeing out of a tube. Come on, be a man! Do the right thing (hur hur).

The boy understands (I hope) my rationale. If the relationship has hit a dead end, and there is no foreseeable way of getting out of the rut, then it is better to part amicably. I don't want to waste time tangled up in that same web of insecurity, deception, manipulation and ultimately, depression that stems from "wanting to prove that I can make a relationship work". My youth (the Singapore Youth Council classifies youths as below 30!!) is too precious, and so is yours.

Please.

english weather

2006-04-08T23:26:00.000+08:00

Spring seems to be upon us, what with the nice sunshine and white fluffy clouds floating in the clear blue sky. But that, my friend, is deceptive. See, I am in England - the land where there may be all four seasons in one day!

I woke up this morning to a megawatt ray of sunlight piercing my poor, terrified, confused, sunflower curtains. After potting around the house a little, and doing some vacuuming, it started raining. Ok, nothing new there, it IS after all, spring.

Rain turned to HAIL. Yes, little bits of ice pattered on my double glazed (oh thank God) windows, in an odd percussion rhythm.

Then the rain stopped, and the sun came out again. At 734pm.

No wonder everyone talks about the weather in this country.

Oh, I snatched a picture off Qing's multiply site:

oh dear, its so small. No matter. I'll put a few more up =)

thats all for now. later! =)

p.s. off to athens in a week!! yay!!

work-athens-work-exam-HOME!!

2006-04-04T23:11:00.001+08:00

Wow, the finishing line seems just in sight, and that is both scary and a relief. The exam timetable this year is crazy, and there has already been numerous complaints to the school about it. See, we have 3 exams in 4 days. And that is only cuz one of the days is a SUNDAY. oh gawd. That's 90 credits in 4 days. sigh. =(

But the light in the middle of the tunnel is that I'll be going to athens from the 15th-19th april! yay!! I'm going to recharge and relax for the final battle. =D

From there, it will be work work work work...and... back to dear ol Singapore on the 6th June!! woohoo!! I can't wait to hang out with all my friends, and gorge on the FOOD again! Just thinking about it makes me smile. hee.

oh yeah, here are some of the pics taken at Singnite at Manchester.. a looonng time ago. =x

me n qing! =)

ramblings

2006-04-01T08:07:00.000+08:00

As I am writing this, I don’t even know if it will be published. The internet connection has been super super slow these past few days (probably my own fault), and everytime I click “publish post” it directs me to an error msg. sigh.

Its been such a long time since I have written anything mildly amusing, or even coherent that I just can’t seem to pluck the words out of the swarm of thoughts whizzing in my head.

I’m in the twilight zone - the area where you have had not enough sleep, but too much green tea. Where you know you have to put your foot down on the academic accelerator, but you just can’t muster enough horsepower to. Where my head feels heavy, but the incoherent bits and bobs of random thoughts keep my eyelids ajar. Where the boy is far far away, too far to pull me to bed and lull me to sleep.

But for you I will try.

“Assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups.”
I am guilty of this, and I think most of you are as well. (I assume you assume.. haha.) I have tried to be accommodating, patient and friendly. But sometimes, I have no choice but to assume you are that way because you choose to show that side of yourself to me. I am most probably wrong, but then, so are your assumptions about me.

“V” is for Vendetta
It’s poignant and sad, how history is doomed to repeat itself. References to significant historical events echo throughout the film, and the message is a simple one. That if ordinary humans unite, they can create a revolution. Personally, that is more optimistic than what history has shown itself to be.

Enough. Enough of this lame shit excuse of myself I have become. Here I am, wallowing in self-pity when so many people think that I have potential. I want to be so much… but yet…

No. I can be, and I WILL be. Self assurance, that is the first step.

all me.

2006-03-17T00:03:00.000+08:00

Due to overwhelming pressure (actually, its just you, Cheok), I have decided to post my non-straightened-short-hair photo! =)

----------------------------------

The boy once commented that I was emotionally distant. That it seems scary the way I am able to detach myself from the situation and look at it from a third party's point of view. That it is so cold, the way I am not swayed when I do that.

I like to think of myself as a passionate, fun-loving and bubbly person. But when life deals you a bad set of cards, you just have to suck it up and put on your poker face. When things get bad, its always easier when you distance yourself emotionally and be objective, rational and reasonable when assessing and solving the problem. no?

Sometimes, when I think of the bad stuff that has happened in the past, it almost seems like I am seeing a movie clip of someone who resembles me. It's not personal. Sometimes, that scares me too.

Maybe that is why my posts on this blog have been so sporadic. It just doesn't feel right to be sharing my feelings, and opening myself up to judgment. This blog is not anonymous, and sometimes, using X, Y and Z is not enough. I write about things i feel strongly about. That does not happen often, and when it does, I don't feel i can write publicly about it.

Ah well. Perhaps I am really a cold-hearted bitch from hell. =)

chopped off my hair.

2006-03-16T10:20:00.000+08:00

yup, that's me. the hairdresser straightened my hair to see the layers better, but now that i've washed it out, it's back to its stubborn wavy "style".

heh heh. the lighting in the toilet at wagamama's was really good.. =P

I promise to post more photos when i go to school and can latch on to the super duper fast connection. Now, its just painstakingly slow. And patience is not my forte..

XXOO, Vic.

updates

2006-02-28T00:18:00.000+08:00

Me and the boy spent a delectably sinful friday and saturday, walking around in town and stuffing our faces at a certain mrG's house. It was such a relief to just be out and about, shopping, eating and chatting, before our faces are forcefully shoved back into the relentless grind. We had a superduper delicious dinner at mrG's place that started with a tomato, mozzerella and basil salad; went on to mrG's risotto and the boy's delish roast chicken. The feast ended, regretfully, with a run of Breakfast at Tiffany's, some B&J's dublin mudslide and a bottle of red wine (thank you Andrew!). All together now, "ahhhh............."

I would post some pictures, but I'm in the law cafe now and all the pics are back home in the camera. So i shall entertain with just words.. heh.

Apart from engaging in the very Singaporean activity of eating, we also gossiped alot. (and I say this almost apologetically.) Something Andrew said really stuck. He said that talking about X really brought out the worst in people. But the thing is that she has done so many nasty and mean things to so many people that everyone has something to say on the topic. It was inevitable.

Ah, but by mrG's definition we weren't bitching. Surely stating your honest and truthful opinion on a certain subject cannot be considered bitching! I think that it is only when you contort and mangle the truth, that it becomes a broken-telephone situation.

From my point of view, it was certainly no fun having someone call me up and accusing me of doing something I didn't. It really shows someone's character when he tries to use an inanimate object that is not even his against you. Bah.

The gossip situation here in Notts fuels itself. There are too little people for the groups to be diverse enough not to interact with each other, but yet enough people for there to be fodder. And because our lives consist mainly of activities that are housebound, we pathetically resort to gossiping. However, I don't believe that it is a Singaporean thing to gossip (a theory espoused by my housemate), I'm sure girls of other nationalities do the same (cue Sex and the City and countless other soaps).

It's Monday now. The carefree weekend is now but a pleasant memory.

I shall sign off with this piece on love by one of my friends. Short of sounding hippie and flower power and all that, I think we need more love. Where is the love? =) btw, it is part five of a series.

The way she waltzed into my world, her step and twirl, it was... She didn't look like anything special. Not very tall, but proportionate in her body, jet black hair, fair skin, a beautiful smile. I had been seeing her around for quite a while already, but I never felt the need to go up to her to chat her up, even though I knew a few of her friends and that the chances of seeing her again, and again, were quite high. Somehow, just last week I had that chance. Well, nothing was planned, nothing was thought of beforehand, I was at this gathering and someone's place and she happened to be there.

I won't say that I was keen from the start, I merely noticed. Even at that gathering, I took quite a while before I got to her. I drifted around the house, from person to person till I got to her, and I did get to her alone. We were in this corner in the dining area, sitting down on two chairs, and while we were chatting, it seemed as though that there was no one else in the house with us. The floor was open for dance, and there were already a few couples out on the floor. I thought, "Why not." And so I asked, if she liked a dance. She gave me her hand.

We spun around and around on the floor, I twirled her around and watched as her smile and her hair flow. I listened to the music: love songs to haunt me after the night was over. Then a waltz was played, and the strings of the violins sounded through the strings of our hearts, reminding me of how lovers parted. We were dancing with each other, in a world where boy-loves-girl, and girl-loves-boy. We were dancing with each other, and our feet weren't even touching the ground.

As a parting gift (haha) I will end off with a photo of... me! In case you guys forget how i look (i am just a photowhore lah)

p.s. will update on Singnite on the next post. ok, so i'm SOOO late its not funny. sue me.

it's not in my mind

2006-02-08T00:37:00.000+08:00

I had a sliver of doubt, that perhaps it was the lighting(or lack thereof), the music, or perhaps just coincidence. But that doubt has been completely erased. It is not just in my head. sigh. I will stop talking about this situation now, it is completely useless to try to understand someone's actions when they are completely baseless and honestly, stupid.

On my much lighter note, Manchester was fantastic. Or at least the food was. We ate Dim Sum for lunch on Saturday at Pearl City, stuffed ourselves full of har gao, siew mai, char siew bao and cheong funs and the bill only came up to £16.50. No, not per person. For ALL FOUR OF US! OMG. why didnt I choose Manchester Uni instead??!?!??!?!!?! *regret* And the shopping - they have MANGO, PRIMARK and SELFRIDGES. Me n Qing were drooling at all the branded bags at Selfridges.. sigh.. but no money! =( bah.

Singnite fell short of my expectations. The soup was watery, the chicken was dry, and the performances too loud. But oh well, it was a great opportunity to socialise and.. eh hem.. network. hee. Met the bf of an ex-friend (haha so convoluted). Lets just say that it was an interesting meeting. I can't believe she hasn't changed. Oh well, you know what they say about leopards and spots.

ok, got to run! Land law lecture in 15 mins! ta!

XXOO, vic

on friends.

2006-02-03T07:08:00.000+08:00

woohoo! Fun at geisha last night. I held my drink and got high, not drunk. Didn't puke either! =D will post some of Mark and Zhuoneng's Broke(*ahem, bare)back Mountain pictures in my next post or something. muahahaha

Events that unfolded last night got me thinking about friendships. They are meant to be the foundations of our lives away from our family in an unfamiliar land. The Chinese have a saying that 'zai jia kao fu mu, chu wai kao peng you', which loosely translates as 'whilst at home you depend on your parents but whilst outside you depend on your friends'. But how will you know which people will stand up for you when the going gets tough? But you will know, when a friend turns her back on you, walks past you like you don’t exist and believes vicious rumours that other people spread about you.

I have learnt, since secondary school, that people believe what they want to believe. If they are your true friends, it is impossible that they would trust those who are out to malign you. Being naive or gullible is not an excuse for turning your back against your friend. You have chosen who you want to believe, and I guess it is just your loss.

This is how you separate the wheat from the chaff. But it still saddens me when one whom I thought was my friend turns out to be that way. It’s the dull ache in my heart as I mourn the demise of a potential friendship; a bittersweet taste in my mouth. The insipid taste of betrayal and disappointment, mixed with the odd happiness at the knowledge that at least it happened now than some time in the future.

Too many people have walked through my life this way, some hurting me more than others. However strong I may make myself out to be, when I open myself up to a friendship, the disappointment and sadness still seep through the cracks of the armor I have built for myself.

You know who you are.

wonky foundations

2006-01-13T03:57:00.000+08:00

It's a little word, one syllable, five letters. It's a little feeling, not a big one like love, hate or envy; never important enough to be in Pandora's box. But it's the foundation of all relationships. Such a little word, a little feeling, but with an enormous duty.

Not only is trust a little word and a little feeling, it is very frail as well. Trust is ephemeral, it is intangible, languishing on our fingertips or at the outer regions of the virtual world of our relationship. So hard to grasp, so hard to say "I trust you completely". Like a spider's gossamer web, it is so weak, yet so strong.

But one crack in the pretty vase that is trust, and it may never mend. No amount of niceness, cajoling and grovelling will resurrect "trust". Thus, when trust is broken, stepped on, thrown out of the window, should we forgive and try to mend the little pieces of our hearts or.. or what? There is never a perfect solution for these matters, is there?

I love you, I really do. And I want to believe you, and trust you again. But it is so hard, to convince myself to put away the fear, the nagging doubts in my head, and most importantly, the sadness and dull ache in my heart to do so. Why couldn't you have proved me wrong after the first, or even the second time? Why must you let things turn out like that?

A house built on sand will be swept away, but a house built on rock will be able to withstand anything. But what happens when the rock has been eroded?

I don't know. You tell me. No, don't say a word. Words are never convincing enough. Show me, my love, that I can trust you.

:home:

2005-12-20T01:20:00.000+08:00

As I stepped through her hallowed gates, where many a wearied traveler ended their journey halfway across the world, her sweet, warm, balmy breath hit me like a curtain of impenetrable air. My lungs struggled to acclimatize to this familiar unfamiliarity. So old, yet so new; so new, yet so homely.

---------------------------------------------------

These few days have just been a whirlwind of activity, with me reliving my 'dreams' of being a social butterfly and a serial dater! One guy a day, woohoo! Seriously tho, I'm a one girl kinda guy =) I'm just so glad to be back in the company of my friends, tucking into to great food and exploring orchard again! It's amazing how many new shops have sprouted up since I've been away.

In line with my whole photowhore image (hur hur), I'm gonna post some photos of the hot dates I've been on! hee. I love my friends! =D

Thursday:
I landed at 4pm because of some stupid airplane rotation caused delay at heathrow (where I had to idle away 5 Hours!! the 10pound lunch voucher was little consolation). Almost immediately, Val propositioned me. What were you thinking? It was THE mango sale ofcourse. I wouldn't miss it even if I were so jet-lagged/tired/hot. So I dragged my sorry ass down to Suntec where I bought a couple of basic tops. No photos tho. Was simply not in a state.

Friday:
Met Allan for lunch at Parkway. Was amazed at how much the place has changed. Ah, parkway. The familiarity.

I had a great time and really enjoyed talking to him. Even though it has been so long since we last met, we still got along like a house on fire! haha.. and Allan, you are as corny as ever. But guess what, I'm CORNEA! buahahhaa

Then I went down to town to meet Mark and Andrew (twa jia) for dinner..

It's funny how we can end up as good friends after that "situation" at the beginning of my first year. Very magnanimous of the boy, I must say. =)

today:
woke up at 4pm after a marathon jap video (pride, featuring takuya kimura.. Argh, my work!) last night, went for a run and then met Chia How for dinner! We are photowhores, the both of us! That would explain the deluge of photos..

Now, don't we look like the stuff we're 'modelling'?

alright, it's getting late (2am!!) and I have an early breakie with the parents at maxwell later.. yawns. later peeps!

xxoo, Vic

p.s. What a long post!!

more pictures..

2005-12-08T06:10:00.000+08:00

let me introduce you to a girl who always seems so macho (a stint in the navy no less), but has a soft and feminine side all the same. she also has the bad luck of being caught on film (hm.. digital film?) by me the photowhore.

*drum roll*

see? so sweet, coy and pretty. leave your number, guys, and I will try to arrange something. heh heh..

And then there is keat, my housemate, who helped me with the photo uploading. he looks rather wierd in this photo, but ah well, thats how he looks normally anyway.. =x (ok, im joking, this is an exceptionally bad photo. he looks retarded or sth.. hee)

I saved the best for last.
Here's my markyboy, who has stood by me for over a year (a herculean achievement)! He's so cute sometimes I just wanna squeeeeze his cheeks together! muahahhaha.

Honestly, I don't have the inspiration to write something interesting. The best writing comes from loss, sadness, melancholy and other emotions straight out of pandora's box. But now that I am happy and emotionally fulfilled, there is no angst for me to draw my writing from. It is a trade-off i guess, but one that I am more than happy to make. =)

p.s. Homeward bound next week!
p.p.s. My Candace Jacket came!! hooray! *super huge grin*

2005-12-07T09:32:00.000+08:00

Hey guys, I'm really getting the hand of this photo uploading thingy. Lets try a couple more!

This is a photo of the Notts Netball team who won the Notts games!! *yay* we all went to skinny sumo for dinner, and then walked all over town looking for a desert spot before ending up at the cinema (of all places) for some ice-cream. Lets hope the hard rock cafe manager who chased us out even after we were seated (!!!) gets many many pus infected boils on his face. bah.

right. moving on..

This one is me,me,me! muahaha *evil laughter*. My "fierce" shot before the halloween party. Don't ask what I was going as. There is no answer. =)

and last but not least..

Here's one of me n qing-a-ling at the Lincoln X'mas Fair! Hee. I seriously pigged out that night. Love my beret?

XOXO, ViC

do i really need to title this?

2005-12-06T03:58:00.000+08:00

Argh! My idiot (but still very lovable =x) boyfriend pulled the plug on my precious mac when he sat down to take a look at my land law essay just now. Coincidentally, I was halfway through the current post. Woe is me.

It has been 5 freakin days, 3 emails and too many dashed mornings; and my NWT Abercrombie Candace Bomber Jacket (worth US$135, retail price: US$200) is NOT HERE YET! How can this be?!? Here, let me show you a picture of my soon-to-be fantabulous jacket:

Isn't she (yep, definitely a she) super warm and snug and gorgeous? I can't wait to run my hands through the faux fur lining! mm... =)

Ok, enough of my bimbo self.

Oh wait. Let me put up another photo of me as a photo whore on my 20th birthday!

Hey, why is the photo so big? Ah nevermind. Do i need to rotate it as well? Too much effort. Rotate your head instead. haha. --- done! see im so nice (thanks Keat! I promise to put ur photo up soon and tell everyone how much I adore you... hahahahahaha)

Speaking of birthdays, Happy 21st birthday Kai and Chu! I promise to buy you guys nice things from London ok? =) Can't wait to come back and go out with you guys! *smile*

Anyway.

Why do people only cherish the things they have lost? Are we, as a race, so emotionally stunted that we cannot appreciate the good in our lives until they are no more? A friend of mine recently broke up with her long term (a year and a bit) boyfriend because she realised that they could not communicate. The boyfriend (who was always a bit of a chauvinist) has done a complete turn around and morphed into super-sensitive, super-caring, flower-sending, gift-bearing, super boyfriend to be. (and I say this without any sarcasm whatsoever)

A bit late isn't it?

But there are success stories of course. The ex-and-current boyfriend of my best friend was.. hm.. I cant find the words to describe him.. a bastard (obviously not in the literal sense). His sins are too many to name, and needless to say, I was frustrated and angry that she was chaining herself to a boy who was not worthy of her. But I kept my mouth shut, because I knew (from experience), that she would look past the faults of the one she really loved.

Anyhow, they broke up (oh no, he broke up with her), and then got extremely jealous that she was seeing other people, and tried to chase her back. Again, there was this extreme personality makeover and he became (supposedly. I am still not convinced) the man of her dreams. And of course, she fell back into his arms.

My point is, cherish the one you love before you realise that you can't live without them but you have to. It is the little things that count, the kiss in the morning (albeit with morning breath), the TLC when your partner is ill, and the countless little things that show her that she is the one you want to be with.

who am i?

2005-10-31T02:46:00.000+08:00

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	86%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Religious	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Hedonism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|	16%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Physical Fitness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	64%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Female cliche	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Stability results were moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.

Orderliness results were low which suggests you are overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense too often of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were very high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity

trait snapshot:
messy, disorganized, social, tough, outgoing, rarely worries, self revealing, open, risk taker, likes the unknown, likes large parties, makes friends easily, likes to stand out, likes to make fun of people, reckless, optimistic, positive, strong, does not like to be alone, ambivalent about chaos, abstract, impractical, not good at saving money, fearless, trusting, thrill seeker, not rule conscious, enjoys leadership, strange, loves food, abstract, rarely irritated, anti-authority, attracted to the counter culture

so this is me? =)

the big 2-0

2005-10-25T06:04:00.000+08:00

Fourty Five minutes. That's just how long before the clock strikes twelve and I turn TWENTY. It's a whole new number! okok, perhaps I'm getting a tad worked up here, but I do think that it is a milestone. Maybe not as important as, say, 21, but a whole new decade all the same. A new beginning? (God, that sounds so cliche)

Looking back at all the wild times I had in the past decade, I realised I've grown up a lot. It is surreal, how we go through our lives looking for who we are and what we want to be, yet never really finding it. After all, the hardest person to understand is yourself. Sometimes, I just do things cuz I feel like it, with little regard to why and what will happen. Foolhardy eh? But yeah, that's just me.

Have I done stupid things? Of course! I remember holding on to a dead relationship, full of teenage (ah, I cannot use that word anymore!) hope and puppy love, hoping that maybe, just maybe things would happen like in those boy band love songs and sappy movies. Two years on, I met up with him again, and I found he was not half the man I built in my mind. I have also held on to a dying relationship, wanting to prove, just for once, that I am relationship material, and not just a weekend fling. But in the process subjecting myself to needless physical and mental trauma. I learnt that I should love myself more than that. I have trusted a friend too much, lent her my money and my trust, and having it all broken in the end. Hell, she even called me a bad friend after all I did.

At the end, though, I am an optimist. I believe in the good in people and the beauty in life. I believe that there is much more of life to experience and you won't know what sweetness is if you haven't tasted all the other flavours. Good or bad, I am taught something each time. I would hate to become one of those cynical old people with a perpetual snarl or sarcastic smile on their lips. I think those people are sad. They have no one left to hate but themselves, and nothing to hold on to in the world they live in.

Am I a composition of all the experiences I've had? Or perhaps a mesh of all the ideas I have on life? What defines me? It's funny how I am usually the person in the group without a definite direction. Say, if my friends are the girl-next-door, or the wild-child, then what am I? On the bright side, I guess I'm not stereotyped, not strapped down to a certain mold i must follow. Sometimes it just feels as though I need to find myself.

Twenty. Two decades.

Enough of the past, I am now going to enjoy the future, the many many more decades (fingers crossed) to come.

here I am

2005-10-13T20:42:00.000+08:00

sitting in the computer lab of the law and social sciences building, waiting for the next two lectures to begin. 4 lectures in a day. That is simply, bloody inhuman.

And so life at nottingham begins again, with barely a resigned sigh. The weather (there is nothing much else to talk about anyway) is holding up quite well, despite occassional showers in the late evenings and early mornings. Definitely not as bad as the totally crap weather we had to endure last year!

When i start a sentence, I naturally forget to capitalise. It seems normal and ingrained to rely on the luxuries of technology and the wonders of microsoft word. Thanks Bill! =)

Ok, so I am writing crap, verbal diarhhoa and mental constipation (nod to mr goh). Give the poor girl a chance! I'll sign off here now, and spare you lot the grief. ciao!

p.s. When people talk about certain (usually unpleasant) events as part of growing up, have you ever wondered when growing up really ends? It's so vague. Ah well. Not all things in this world are supposed to make sense anyway.

my leaky tap

2005-09-14T02:41:00.000+08:00

urgh.

That's exactly how I feel now, with my nose all blocked up. Not by emotion mind you, but through the excessive secretion of mucus.. i.e. the DARN flu. On a (not) completely unrelated sidenote, what's the difference between a cold and a flu? *perplexed bimbo look* haha.

I've also taken to sleeping at 3-4am.. which is doing wonders for my pet flu bugs. Why? I don't really know myself.

Friday, friday, friday. Nottingham seems so far away now, so distanced from my happy and contented reality. Friday looms towards me like an evil mist. I have so much to do, so much to pack, so many people to meet and say my (teary) goodbyes to before I leave. The inertia is great and consuming.

The silence of the night, peppered by bits of white noise. Such is my world, my little impenetrable world; where nothing and no one can intrude. Me and my music, me and my mac, me and my wierd nonsensical thoughts. No explanations needed. I like it this way.

Ah well. All that is good must come to an end.. till next year that is. =)

Vic.

The thin red line

2005-09-10T00:59:00.000+08:00

Xiaxue (www.xiaxue.blogspot.com) has recently decided to take a hiatus from her blog, because people have taken to not only insulting her, but also her friends and family.

Honestly, I don't know what to make of it. The contradictions run too deep and there is no satisfactory method of weighing the pros and cons of being a celebrity blogger.

Its ironic how her readers made her who she is today, one of the foremost bloggers in the Singapore blogsphere, through continual readership and interest. Yet, it is also them who have caused her so much distress and emotional trauma by sending hate mail and hacking into her blogger account amongst other things. Of course, her readers should be divided into those who care, those who hate and those who are there for the free literature and entertainment (me).

Somehow, a blog started off as a place where you could say anything and everything. It was YOUR space, to design and fill, coupled with the "freedom" and "anonymity" of the internet. But along the way, bloggers (due to their inherent exhibitionist nature) have had to tred on a very fine line between (a) baring their souls, (b) trying not to offend anyone and (c) keeping their readers happy.

For example, if I said today that I hated say person X, because he is short, fat and ugly. It might be that I've had a bad run-in with X and just wanted to vent my frustrations, or it might have deeper implications with regards to my already bad relationship with X. However, a reader might think that I am superficial, judgmental and prejudiced against short fat and ugly people for shallow reasons. What a reader comments on is only what he reads, without any knowledge of the peripheral circumstances.

What Adri (www.popagandhi.com) has always tried to emphasize is that she is not exactly the same persona as the voice of her blog. As the word persona suggests, it is a reflection of how the blogger wants to showcase him/herself. It is fun and completely in line with the "anything goes" idea of a blog, and cyberspace in general, for a blogger to be larger than life on his blog.

I applaud Xiaxue for her courage in writing as herself, and not changing her style to suit her readers. Her appeal is the girl next door feel, not too pretty, not too skinny, a little tomboyish, vain, rude and "ah lian". In all, someone every heartlander should be able to relate to. Seriously, some people should take the log out of their eyes before criticising her on the speck of dust in hers. Besides, she probably has friends in high places who can track you down by just your IP address. We have all witnessed the unreliability of the cloak of anonymity the Internet purports to provide (hello, the fact that there is an IP ADDRESS???).

Perhaps readers should be more diplomatic about their comments and opinions. It is more than fine, and even encouraged, that readers should have comments about the ideas put forth in a post or in the blog as a whole. However, some readers abuse this privilege (yes, privilege. How often is it that you can discuss ideas with a famous writer?) and start attacking the writer and not the work. In Xiaxue's case, they have taken it one step further and have attacked Xiaxue's friends and brother as well. This is despicable. Some people think they can hide behind the anonymity of cyberspace not only as bloggers (cue the Acidflask incident) but also (when their own blogs do not garner enough attention) as readers who leave rude and unsavory comments on popular blogs and hope to ride on the popularity of those blogs. Perhaps it is time for a "Leave comments on blogs responsibly" campaign.

It can be argued that these bloggers have dug their own graves by choosing to be in the limelight and baring their souls in the process. They could shut down their blogs any time they wanted with just a few simple clicks. Perhaps having a percentage of your readers hate you is just an inevitable by-product of popularity and envy.

In a nutshell, I would like to emphasize the dichotomy between idealism (where readers would leave mature and responsible comments) and realism (where there are all sorts and logic and rationale are not the pre-requisites to neither owning a computer nor being human). Also, the contradiction between the ideology of having a space where you can be whoever you are, and letting the readers see that; yet suffering the backlash and abuse from being yourself.

I could debate this with myself till the cows came home and not achieve a satisfactory answer. It is like asking oneself how Bush got re-elected, or how many stars there are in the universe. As cynical as it may sound, blogging, as with everything else, is about toeing the line and making sure you don't get caught with your pants down.

oO..

2005-07-28T16:48:00.000+08:00

me? RGS? well.. I almost went there.. but ended up in.. nevermind.

Raffles Girl's school
Smartest of the lot with unprecedented arrogance.
And pUhlEeese... start Cheering like girls and
be RGS girls not RI GUYS!

Wad girl's school should you be from?
brought to you by Quizilla

And Mark is.......

2005-07-26T19:36:00.000+08:00

*mauahahahhahahahhahahahhahahaa*

why am i not surprised? =P

yay!

2005-07-26T19:30:00.000+08:00

How can it be this way??

2005-07-26T17:03:00.000+08:00

Whilst browsing one of my schoolmate's blog, I stumbled upon an entry about her trip to Rome and the Vatican City. She said, and I quote,

"The basilica is soooooooo amazing it takes your breath away. I had mass and confession there. IT was really significant. ...I wished I had alother catholic with me to appreciate what I felt. I rweally feel proud to be a catholic now."

This feeling of pride and renewed enthusiasm for the religion is exactly what I did NOT feel.

Yes, I was in awe of the asthetic beauty of the towering roman pillars, the intricate artwork, the attention to detail on each statue (down to the very last fold on their robe!), and the breathtaking birds-eye view from the top of St Peter's basilica. The grandeur and opulence of the entire city is what moved me but from a purely secular point of view.

But (and this is a very big but), from a christian's point of view, I was absolutely disgusted. It was as if the entire vatican city had big neon words strung around it which flashed intermittently, "WE HAVE MORE MONEY THAN WE KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH". The extremely public display of wealth stung like a slap accross my face.

How much of the billions of dollars poured into building this material structure, these beautiful paintings, these intricate statues could be used to feed children in the third world? Children who are starving at the rate of one every second (if a popular commercial is to be believed)? How much of this money could be used to build more churches in underdeveloped areas? Or even to build housing for underpriviledged (ah, the political correctness!) people? Instead of saving and building lives, we now have a.... *drum roll*.. ginormous BUILDING!!! How charitable. Oh, the hypocrisy.

Just thinking about it now, 6 months later, gives me the goosebumps.

Stepping into the building, you spot statues ( Oh God, STATUES! Whatever happened to "thou shall not have any idols before me"???? ) with their right foot worn down right down to the pedestal. Why, you may scratch your head and ask. Well because millions of worshippers have placed their hands and lips at the right foot of Jesus Christ to pray. Oh, sorry, it is the right foot of a statue of JC.

You also see special praying pews in front of a glass coffin, with a dried up person inside. On closer inspection, you realise it is the corpse of an ex-pope. And people are on their knees praying before him, as if he were the one that could save their lives. Admittedly, he could have been a good, god-fearing man; a great man even, but he is NOT God. There is only ONE God, and the guy in the coffin is most definitely not He. So why should you be praying to him? He will not wash away your sins, he does not have the power to save you. The whole affair reeks of pagan ancestor worship.

I had much much more to rant about six months ago, but the gradual fading of my memory has lead to the loss of much of the fuel. What will never fade however, is that feeling of disgust at the building which calls itself a church. My mouth contorts into a sneer at the very thought of that day.

By this post, I am not pronouncing myself to be the best and most morally upright (haha) christian in the world. Neither am I beyond criticism. I have my faults and I will openly and honestly admit to them. But the Vatican is a city that prides itself on being the centre of catholicism, the role model to all the catholics out there. How can it possibly be this way?

2005-07-25T02:06:00.000+08:00

gawd. I'm feeling like total crap. It's that horrible feeling you have just before you fall sick, where all your muscles and joints start to ache. It feels like little needles are being stuck in me and twisted around for a bit! =( Tomorrow is so gonna be worse.

My body is probably protesting about the late late nights I have been keeping. Mm.. think I haven't been home earlier than 1am for a loong time. In my defense, le tour de france has been showing on star sports at 10pm and runs all the way till 12plus. So when the Boy sends me home its bound to be about one. Oh yes, Armstrong won for the 7th time again today! woohoo!

It's just that I love love love the nights, the solitude, the peace, the feeling that time is all yours.

*yawns* I better get to sleep. Hopefully my poor bod won't feel so wonky tmr. ta~

tsd

2005-07-11T01:38:00.000+08:00

Tsd is all (and perhaps more) that i remember it to be, and its not just the theatre I am talking about. Tonight was the last night of the '05 Tsd Public Performance, and watching it after such a long time just brings back bittersweet memories of my stint there. After going through it myself, I could fully appreciate the work, sweat and tears that had to be put in to produce work of such quality.

I had a love-hate relationship with tsd. I loved acting and theatre, but hated the politics and some of the people. How could people so exposed to the spectrum of society (through plays) could be so narrow-minded and judgemental? I never could understand why people couldn't just come up to me and tell me what they didn't like about me, and perhaps we could work our differences out. But no! They chose to hide behind their indiferrent looks and hushed whispers when I walked past.

Why couldn't just one of them have the guts to say, " Vic, I think your skirt is too short.", or " Vic, I hate your face." ? I would have appreciated the refreshing honesty, and taken their criticisms with an open mind. Honestly!

For every 10 hushed words, I would catch one. And that one would be enough to ruin my day. I couldn't concentrate on acting, cuz those words would always whiz past at the back of my mind. It was impossible for me to be as dedicated to tsd as some of these people were, cuz I just didn't want to be anywhere near them. As a result, I became increasingly alienated from them, and the rift just seemed to grow.

So what if I wore my skirt short? I still do. So what if I chose to eat with my friends outside tsd? I have a life too, you know. So what if I like to flirt and had more than one guy friend? I never went for any guy in tsd, much less the one that was your boyfriend. You never knew the real me, so you don't have the right to judge me. The "me" you knew was just a front, I had to be strong, I could not let you win.

I can't say I hate these people. Hate is a strong emotion, just a hair's width away from Love. To hate someone you need to have feelings towards them, and I just cannot be bothered to muster the energy to hate them. I choose only to be apathetic. These people mean nothing to me, and they can no longer affect me with their words or actions. I have chosen to love and accept myself for who I am, and I will no longer chase the illusion that others have created of me.

But however I try, I will never forget the words that were said. They are a painful reminder, but also a lesson in life: Do unto others what you want others to do unto you. I have forgiven, but not forgotten.

momo II

2005-07-07T04:11:00.000+08:00

wow. twice in a week I have gone to Momo..

to Ash: (if you ever read this) Great set! Take care of yourself and of your voice! Your vocal cords are your instrument so take good care of them alright? =)

haha. I'm just blogging for the sake of doing so. Hey, its 4 am in the morning so pardon the inane-ness. =)

p.s. baby, you are "the reason"! *) muaks.

those were the days.....

2005-07-03T05:32:00.000+08:00

DSCN0257, originally uploaded by chillipadee.

momo

2005-07-03T04:47:00.000+08:00

Funnily, this trip to a newly-opened club was more quiet and contemplative rather than all out partying. The night started out normally, but as it wore on, I realised that it was going to be like no other!

Inspite of the blaring music, H and I managed to carry on a conversation about humanity (or the lack thereof!). He has changed so much in the one year that I was gone for. His outlook and attitude towards life seem to have been altered, but not beyond recognition. After all, he is still the same guy I knew from eons back. We also gossiped about V, and I guess she might have her reasons for committing the atrocities that she did, but I still cannot forgive her. To me, friendship (or any relationship for that matter) is about trust and honesty, without which the ties that bind are merely illusions. A friendship built on lies is akin to the proverbial house built on sand, they both deserve to fall.

When H was busy, I sat alone in the live music lounge and nursed a glass of vodka orange. It was as if I had a plastic, transparent bubble around me, and all the worries and distractions of the outside world evaded me. Listening to Ash sing, I let my thoughts froth and bubble in my little head. Just Me. It was an amazing experience cuz I felt, for once, like the eye of the tornado.

all hail the narcissistic one!

2005-06-29T02:37:00.000+08:00

my fengshui has been righted

2005-06-29T01:34:00.000+08:00

The familiar scents, colours, people, food... they whiz through my mind as if in a blender. Colliding, evoking more memories of home. Although it has only been 6 months, and I have been back for 3 weeks, the punch of nostalgia hits me only now.

Now, at 1.40am. The night is deep and silent, gently cradling the suspended thoughts of those who rest from their hectic lives. The night is also dark and nurturing, encasing the willing in its womb with creative juices freely flowing like amniotic fluid. The night is where I can believe, even if only for a split second, that nothing else exists: just me and my thoughts.

I grasp at flowing, translucent, silken threads, suspended tantalizingly out of reach, reaching up into nothingness. As my mind makes contact with an elusive thread, complex chemistry creates a burst of energy that flows from my fingertips unto the screen.

The sweet, pungent scent of durian lingers on my fingertips; a reminder of dessert, friendship and home. The durian season seems to have exploded on our tiny island, enchanting us with its tangy and sweet (sometimes bitter), mushy fruit. The spell has been cast and we are spellbound.

Dinner: As the chatter of our native language fills the air, I relax and break into a smile. I am home. No where else will you find this myriad of colours, this peaceful coexistance and respect of race, religion, food and culture. It is only when I left that I felt the void and the emptiness, as if an enormous chunk of "who I am" had been ripped away. I could never leave her for another cuz this is my favourite city in the whole wide world.

bangkok 2005.

2005-06-25T01:26:00.000+08:00

Bangkok was a riot. The shopping, eating, late night drinking and suppers seemed endless, but it ended all too soon. =( I believe all of us would have given an arm and leg to spend a couple more days in that wonderful city, but alas, we had run out of both money and stamina! haha.

Chaktuchak: The mecca of shopping. We spent an entire day navigating around the humongous market, but covered not more than one third of it! I think all of us spent the most money here, but respect is owed to Peipei who spent more than 6000 Baht! Kudos girl, you seemed to have something to buy at every shop! By the end of that day I was tired (and high on fatigue), broke (3000 baht!) and dehydrated (I drank water the whole day and didn't pee at all!!), but very very happy with my purchases.

Swanlum, Central Chitlom and Siam square: Painted my fingers and toes with pretty colours all for 450 baht! Bought more tops and skirts and shorts!

Patpong: We went there just for a look see, but ended up at a bar/club which had girls gyrating and parading on a semi-circular podium. The girls all had number tags which facilitated their identification when patrons wanted them at their tables. It was a total meat show with the girls clad only in a skimpy white bikini, and since it was after all Bangkok, there were the girl-girls, and the boy-girls. There was this girl dressed in a white bikini with ruffles who was drop dead gorgeous. Peipei and I were drooling over her the entire night! I swear, if this weren't Patpong, I would never have questioned her gender. But a friend heard her speak and it turns out that she is of the latter category! Apart from being shocked, I conceded that if I ever lost a man to her, it would be without regrets. haha, yes, she is that hot.

At the end of the day, however, the whole experience at Patpong made me wonder what made those women stoop to working at a nightclub. I think it is not something that fortunate people like me, living in places with abundant material comforts, will ever understand. I went to see a tiger show as well, and it was fascinatingly disgusting. The emptiness in the eyes of the women performing was sobering cuz to us it is but a night, a show, an experience. But to them it is their life. I cannot imagine that kind of humiliation, both mental and physical, being inflicted on me night after night, endlessly. Honestly, I would rather die. But these women have found the courage to carry on living. These experiences have made me treasure the world I live in, where hunger is never involuntary, money is not a problem and all my needs (both emotional and material) are taken care of.

This trip to bangkok was filled with laughter, friendship, shopping and loads of fun. But beneath the elation was an undercurrent of sadness, pain and tears. Cliched as it may seem, I believe that things are never what they seem.

bangkok bound!

2005-06-18T00:31:00.000+08:00

In less than 22 hrs, i'll be relaxing on the seat of a SAS plane bound for bangkok. It is almost unbelievable that we managed to book the flight at this price ($290 for 4 nights) when we only decided to go a couple of weeks back! For a couple of days we were so stressed about finding the best deal (aiyo, so singaporean!), and the best dates (chatuchak is a must right?). But finally, thanks to the stamina and willpower of all those involved, we managed to confirm everything and we're set to go! Kudos to Jimmy and Val who searched People's Park for the cheapest prices! =)

Off I go to the land of food, shopping and sex! It goes without saying that I will only be enjoying only the first two of the attractions of Thailand, although I might be partial to watching a trans show. C'est la vie! My fingers are tingling in anticipation of the absurd amounts of shopping i will be up to. hee hee hee. With me n val there, Bangkok is ours! *muahahahaha* Somehow, i think the men are there just to protect us and to make sure we don't go insane from all the shopping and eating and more shopping. Oh well. =P

More on the trip when i come back, and perhaps photos as well. ciao~

the "D" word.

2005-06-17T02:06:00.000+08:00

I am a "pure blood": born to believers, bathed in the doctrine. I was raised to have 'unyielding faith' in the divinity of Christ, the omnipotence of God, and the sanctity of the Holy Bible. I can convince people that the God I speak of is the only one, and horrors will befall those who do not believe because he is 'the way, the truth and the light'.

But yet, I have fallen prey to the "D" word. I cannot convince myself, I cannot quell the tides of Doubt.

What if the bible was written by man? Men with a political agenda?Should we take the bible literally? If so, what about the dinosaurs and the homo erectus-es? Is the Christian God the one and only God, or is that One God, and the different religions are merely different manifestations of the same God? Will all who do good and are moral go to Hell even if they don't believe? What if they have never heard of the gospel?

This is just the tip of the iceberg, but I have little wish to engage in a lengthy theological debate with myself.

However, I do believe that there is a God, a higher being that created the earth and mother nature in all its splendour and breath-taking beauty. Someone who decided how the little neutrons in everyone of us communicate with each other, how our digestion works, how breathing keeps us alive, how warm blood runs through our veins with every heartbeat. I don't think we could ever fully understand the miracle of the working of our bodies. It is the identity of this being i am confused about.

I am a contradiction. I understand the religion, and can argue convincingly for it. Yet, I am not convinced by the run of the mill answers to the above questions that I can churn out. As they say, the deeper you dig, the more shit you uncover. I am nineteen, my mid-life crisis CANNOT be happening now!

It's funny how, when you really sit down and think about things, everything can have a double meaning and can be interpreted differently. One event, one book, one person, can have such a profound impact on the way you view life. It is as if you opened a door which led to a corridor of "what ifs" and "why nots". Most people I know would rather not step into that corridor and into the unknown. They much prefer the monotony and safety of the room which they grew up in. Unfortunately, I abhor ignorance, and have opened the dreaded pandora's box.

Perhaps I will eventually find the truth, the holy grail of our era. But more likely, i will mellow with age, and settle with not knowing. After all, what harm is there in believing in the Christian God, when the rejecting of it might be certain damnation and a long spell in a very hot and extremely uncomfortable place? One day, maybe, I will tire of the search for the elusive truth and compromise by relying on faith not knowledge.

That day is most certainly not today. After all, I am only nineteen, and I still have the right to think that I'm invincible, I will live forever and that nothing is impossible.

for once, please.

2005-06-03T01:45:00.000+08:00

Is it ever ok to lie to someone you love?

Telling a lie is a double edged sword. You may use it today to cut ties, responsibilities and burdens but one day, it might just come back to cut you and haunt you for forevermore. perhaps one day you will wake up, regreting the strong words u used on him, missing his company and the good times, but please oh please, at that very moment, don't forget about the way he put you down and manipulated you as if you were a little puppet. I know it is healthy to remember the happy times and forget about the ugly ones, but there is a lesson to be learnt from all the skinned knees in life. All you can do is pick yourself up and move on. That is what adults do, adults who are rational and mature. And those are things he has yet to fully learn and understand judging from his behavior in this whole debacle. He might have been all you had for a very very long time (in teenage terms), but there will be more who will sweep you off your feet and show you how it is like to really love and be loved.

There is always the risk that you will not be able to retrieve what you lost, but if that is what it takes to extract yourself out of a sticky and gruesome situation, then i say, so be it. Yes, gruesome. It is not an understatement.

why don't you stand up for YOURself, think of YOUR own happiness, love YOURself and preserve YOUR sanity for once?? does it pay to be so nice to a guy who is causing you endless trauma, tears and heartache? The answer is staring you in the face.

"you have to be cruel to be kind..."

By telling him it's over, you allow the healing process to begin. But you must be clear. There is no point being tactful and nice and accomodating and even, dare I say it, honest. So what if you still have feelings for him? Since you have made up your mind that you will only go back to him if Hell freezes over, then there is no point complicating the situation. Perhaps even, there is no need to lie. Just lay down the bare facts, so he has nothing to mull over and nitpick. There is no need to disclose of any further information. And then leave. And don't pick up his calls for at least a couple of months.

Why do you care so much about what people think? To quote from A Good Woman, "If you care so much about what other people think, what is the point of having thoughts of your own?" People will always believe what they want to believe. If your friends believe in you and your character, they will stand by you no matter what. If they don't, why bother with them? Why are you letting your community define you as a person?

Girl, whatever he said will blow away in time, if you end it once and for all. But if you don't, i fear for your mental health and your happiness. Cuz that is all that matters to me. That you are satisfied and happy with the way you are living your life. Why do you think i gave up telling you that he wasn't good enough for you during those long years that you weathered? It's just cuz i knew that being with him was enough for you and nothing else mattered.

Whatever you decide, i will be here for you. Take care, love ya. =)

hell hath no fury a woman scorned

2005-04-24T05:25:00.000+08:00

im blogging whilst waiting for the bubbles from claire's bath to settle in the bathroom so i can shower!! i got to really know a friend today. before this we were just the hi-bye kind. living in the same campus, in the same course, but our lives never seemed to intersect. but we went to the gym today, and it was good! i'm really glad i got to know her.

our gossiping kinda set off little light bulbs in my head. i really think that all the bastards in the world ought to be punished. there might be the common soap opera theory that bastards are such because someone else hurt them so bad that they had to take revenge on the rest of womenfolk-- cue felix from the o.c. (since im a girl, it's much easier to talk about the guys being bad. grins). but what kind of sick, twisted soul are you if you would want to inflict the same kind of pain that you've felt on someone innocent? it's like seniors ragging juniors cuz they were ragged on the year before. it's just insane neanderthal behavior! if you have a problem, you should recognise it and seek professional mental help, not try to inflict others with the same pain.

honestly, i think these jerks think they can get off with it cuz some women are too peace-loving; too passive; too scared or just too shocked to do anything. and when they finally want to, the moment is gone and taking revenge would just seem like such a vindictive and juvenile thing thing to do. thus, these pieces of crap get away with mental and sometimes physical torture. women should stand up for themselves, show the world that we are not pushovers and get our own back against the people who victimise us.

i know of friends who stay in relationships that tear them down instead of building them up because of a multitude of reasons, but mostly, they boil down to the fear of change. most humans are creatures of habit, and when you have been in your comfortable rut for so long, you don't really want to move. so what if the roof's leaking? so what if the wind blows in at night? some women can't imagine a life without their abusive partner. some women want to, but can't change because they feel scared and threatened. but i believe, and i have done it, that if you really want to get out of it, you can. just tell yourself that there's nothing to fear, and there's so many better things out there that you have yet to experience. but most people don't know that, or haven't found the courage to do so. and that, i think, is the saddest part of all.

to men like that, there is no "appropriate" response. for me, i'll give them a piece of my mind, throw hot soup on them and end it nicely with a tight slap across the face. if i really had my way, i'll dismember them and drown them in a pig's pen. hm... or maybe the best way would to get an eye for an eye. revenge, as you know, is the sweetest fruit of them all.

is it possible to love 2 ppl at the same time?

2005-04-19T04:20:00.000+08:00

i think not. it is ofcourse possible to like 2 ppl in an affectionate manner at the same time, but not love. the former happens when you are a pretty girl with many many suitors and you wanna get to know them all a little better before you choose. but the latter.. is just pure deceit and betrayal.

if you wanna get it on with one person, for goodness sake, just end it with the other. why leave everyone in a state of limbo and heartache? why force everyone to wear a mask that obscures their pain and puts on a painted smile? if you ask me, it's just pure selfishness and deceit. ok, lets postulate a scenario. A is the guy, and B and C are the two girls he is toying with. so why selfishness? cuz A not only wants the love, affection and adoration of 2 girls, he also wants to make sure that if he cant have B or C, no one else can. i believe that a relationship should be built on trust, love, honesty and openness, none of which would be present in the hypothetical relationship btw A, B and C. so deceit would be a huge part of the equation as well.

there is also no such thing as both B and C acknowledging each other's existance and accepting it. that, my friend, is pure undiluted bullshit. we do not live in ancient china where concubines are a common and accepted part of society. even then, there has been numerous stories of the envy and jealously festering in these poor women and robbing them of their humanity, social decency and even their lives. this further proves the fact that people should be monogamous, even if they are serial monogamists.

what is worse is if A lies to B and C about each other's existance. then A deserves to be hung, shot, mutilated, and his balls fed to the dogs. A, in my opinion, has compromised his integrity and pride because he will not be able to uphold the promise his has made to B and C to take care of them and to be there for them, and for them to be the one and only in his life.

i have gone thru the whole sordid experience of being torn between two guys. i have also liked a guy who has a girlfriend (thank god he chose her, what was i thinking?!). im not proud of either of these experiences, but i feel i have matured as a result of them. i have also had friends who found out their partners were cheating, and just emotionally collapsed cuz of it. people's emotions do matter, and playing around with them is just cruel. this three way affair will only hurt all 3 parties. think about it, if A really "loved" both these ppl, he would be hurt to see either of them hurt. if he chose either B or C, they would have to live with the knowledge that A once strayed and they were found wanting. and if A chose neither, all three would be hurt. it is well and truly a lose lose situation.

i might be naive in thinking that if i were to be in a relationship with a guy, i would want him completely, but that is how i truly feel. if it were not complete, there would always be that nagging feeling, gnawing away at me from the pit of my heart, telling me that all is not well. i might be able to cheat and lie to myself for awhile, but what would that point be? i say, the best way conquer your demons is to face them and take the consequences like an adult. you'll be stronger for it.

and i repeat, you simply cannot, cannot, CANNOT love 2 people at one time.

why do mondays exist?

2005-03-14T19:16:00.000+08:00

honestly, i think they exist just to torment the human race. especially the yr one students doing the LLB course in the uni of notts. besides being the first day of the academic week, the administration have scheduled THREE lectures today, not including my horror contract tutorial with ms S Williams at 10am! but more on that later. there's barely time to breathe and relax in between lectures, what with the blogging, note copying and sleeping that is integral to student life. urgh. i hate mondays. give me my long leisurely weekends anytime. i want to yawn, stretch and climb out of bed at 2pm!!!! ok, im a bum. so sue me.

Ms Williams is a despot. it's her way or the highway. even if lexis nexis says otherwise. i mean, come on, there's more than one way to argue a point of law and she just doesn't see that! talk about flexibility and creativeness. besides, the way she intimidates everyone, its a wonder that we can pry our mouths open for fear of getting shot down immediately. i wonder about her accent too. it's sounds asian, but it's probably nigerian. did she have to cultivate that aggresive nature and intimidating stance to succeed despite her race and gender? she has pictures of a cute nigerian baby on her wall, so there must be some gentleness and motherly-ness behind that facade, tucked away in a hidden corner. i wonder.

my tummy hurts. i just wanna crawl back into bed and while my time away....

numero uno

2005-03-13T07:48:00.000+08:00

im disgusted.

im disgusted with the way i handled myself during the elections. this has nothing to do with not winning it or with the people involved, but that i didn't stand up for myself. what happened to my assertiveness? sigh. there were so many things i could have said and done and the regret keeps me awake, tossing and turning at night. urgh. i need to get this out of my system.

i just feel that i've let myself down. and it's a horrible horrible feeling.

but thanks anyway to the people who supported me even tho i made such a fool of myself. you guys rock man!! =)