Friday, June 17, 2005
the "D" word.
I am a "pure blood": born to believers, bathed in the doctrine. I was raised to have 'unyielding faith' in the divinity of Christ, the omnipotence of God, and the sanctity of the Holy Bible. I can convince people that the God I speak of is the only one, and horrors will befall those who do not believe because he is 'the way, the truth and the light'.But yet, I have fallen prey to the "D" word. I cannot convince myself, I cannot quell the tides of Doubt.
What if the bible was written by man? Men with a political agenda?Should we take the bible literally? If so, what about the dinosaurs and the homo erectus-es? Is the Christian God the one and only God, or is that One God, and the different religions are merely different manifestations of the same God? Will all who do good and are moral go to Hell even if they don't believe? What if they have never heard of the gospel?
This is just the tip of the iceberg, but I have little wish to engage in a lengthy theological debate with myself.
However, I do believe that there is a God, a higher being that created the earth and mother nature in all its splendour and breath-taking beauty. Someone who decided how the little neutrons in everyone of us communicate with each other, how our digestion works, how breathing keeps us alive, how warm blood runs through our veins with every heartbeat. I don't think we could ever fully understand the miracle of the working of our bodies. It is the identity of this being i am confused about.
I am a contradiction. I understand the religion, and can argue convincingly for it. Yet, I am not convinced by the run of the mill answers to the above questions that I can churn out. As they say, the deeper you dig, the more shit you uncover. I am nineteen, my mid-life crisis CANNOT be happening now!
It's funny how, when you really sit down and think about things, everything can have a double meaning and can be interpreted differently. One event, one book, one person, can have such a profound impact on the way you view life. It is as if you opened a door which led to a corridor of "what ifs" and "why nots". Most people I know would rather not step into that corridor and into the unknown. They much prefer the monotony and safety of the room which they grew up in. Unfortunately, I abhor ignorance, and have opened the dreaded pandora's box.
Perhaps I will eventually find the truth, the holy grail of our era. But more likely, i will mellow with age, and settle with not knowing. After all, what harm is there in believing in the Christian God, when the rejecting of it might be certain damnation and a long spell in a very hot and extremely uncomfortable place? One day, maybe, I will tire of the search for the elusive truth and compromise by relying on faith not knowledge.
That day is most certainly not today. After all, I am only nineteen, and I still have the right to think that I'm invincible, I will live forever and that nothing is impossible.
insatiable at 2:06 AM
4 Comments
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at 2:41 AM
said... can see u are a deep person.. but are u a true christian in real life? or ur life is just a lie...
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at 1:23 AM
insatiable said... depends on what u mean by a "true" christian.. as i said, i was born and bred one.. but i have my doubts. my life is not a lie cuz i can see my own flaws and am willing to face up to them, thus the post! =)
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at 9:04 PM
wenrui said...
ever read milton's "paradise lost"? a fantastic work. you might like it, given your... doubts. =)
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at 11:41 PM
insatiable said...
jon.. lend me yours la! haha. how have u been anyway? we shld meet up sometime for coffee yar? =)
