Tuesday, October 25, 2005
the big 2-0
Fourty Five minutes. That's just how long before the clock strikes twelve and I turn TWENTY. It's a whole new number! okok, perhaps I'm getting a tad worked up here, but I do think that it is a milestone. Maybe not as important as, say, 21, but a whole new decade all the same. A new beginning? (God, that sounds so cliche)Looking back at all the wild times I had in the past decade, I realised I've grown up a lot. It is surreal, how we go through our lives looking for who we are and what we want to be, yet never really finding it. After all, the hardest person to understand is yourself. Sometimes, I just do things cuz I feel like it, with little regard to why and what will happen. Foolhardy eh? But yeah, that's just me.
Have I done stupid things? Of course! I remember holding on to a dead relationship, full of teenage (ah, I cannot use that word anymore!) hope and puppy love, hoping that maybe, just maybe things would happen like in those boy band love songs and sappy movies. Two years on, I met up with him again, and I found he was not half the man I built in my mind. I have also held on to a dying relationship, wanting to prove, just for once, that I am relationship material, and not just a weekend fling. But in the process subjecting myself to needless physical and mental trauma. I learnt that I should love myself more than that. I have trusted a friend too much, lent her my money and my trust, and having it all broken in the end. Hell, she even called me a bad friend after all I did.
At the end, though, I am an optimist. I believe in the good in people and the beauty in life. I believe that there is much more of life to experience and you won't know what sweetness is if you haven't tasted all the other flavours. Good or bad, I am taught something each time. I would hate to become one of those cynical old people with a perpetual snarl or sarcastic smile on their lips. I think those people are sad. They have no one left to hate but themselves, and nothing to hold on to in the world they live in.
Am I a composition of all the experiences I've had? Or perhaps a mesh of all the ideas I have on life? What defines me? It's funny how I am usually the person in the group without a definite direction. Say, if my friends are the girl-next-door, or the wild-child, then what am I? On the bright side, I guess I'm not stereotyped, not strapped down to a certain mold i must follow. Sometimes it just feels as though I need to find myself.
Twenty. Two decades.
Enough of the past, I am now going to enjoy the future, the many many more decades (fingers crossed) to come.
insatiable at 6:04 AM
1 Comments
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at 3:13 AM
said... Hey babe! just dropping a hello. I still read your blog! :) Take care, and i'll see you in school.
