Wednesday, June 29, 2005
all hail the narcissistic one!
insatiable at 2:37 AM
my fengshui has been righted
The familiar scents, colours, people, food... they whiz through my mind as if in a blender. Colliding, evoking more memories of home. Although it has only been 6 months, and I have been back for 3 weeks, the punch of nostalgia hits me only now.Now, at 1.40am. The night is deep and silent, gently cradling the suspended thoughts of those who rest from their hectic lives. The night is also dark and nurturing, encasing the willing in its womb with creative juices freely flowing like amniotic fluid. The night is where I can believe, even if only for a split second, that nothing else exists: just me and my thoughts.
I grasp at flowing, translucent, silken threads, suspended tantalizingly out of reach, reaching up into nothingness. As my mind makes contact with an elusive thread, complex chemistry creates a burst of energy that flows from my fingertips unto the screen.
The sweet, pungent scent of durian lingers on my fingertips; a reminder of dessert, friendship and home. The durian season seems to have exploded on our tiny island, enchanting us with its tangy and sweet (sometimes bitter), mushy fruit. The spell has been cast and we are spellbound.
Dinner: As the chatter of our native language fills the air, I relax and break into a smile. I am home. No where else will you find this myriad of colours, this peaceful coexistance and respect of race, religion, food and culture. It is only when I left that I felt the void and the emptiness, as if an enormous chunk of "who I am" had been ripped away. I could never leave her for another cuz this is my favourite city in the whole wide world.
insatiable at 1:34 AM
Saturday, June 25, 2005
bangkok 2005.
Bangkok was a riot. The shopping, eating, late night drinking and suppers seemed endless, but it ended all too soon. =( I believe all of us would have given an arm and leg to spend a couple more days in that wonderful city, but alas, we had run out of both money and stamina! haha.Chaktuchak: The mecca of shopping. We spent an entire day navigating around the humongous market, but covered not more than one third of it! I think all of us spent the most money here, but respect is owed to Peipei who spent more than 6000 Baht! Kudos girl, you seemed to have something to buy at every shop! By the end of that day I was tired (and high on fatigue), broke (3000 baht!) and dehydrated (I drank water the whole day and didn't pee at all!!), but very very happy with my purchases.
Swanlum, Central Chitlom and Siam square: Painted my fingers and toes with pretty colours all for 450 baht! Bought more tops and skirts and shorts!
Patpong: We went there just for a look see, but ended up at a bar/club which had girls gyrating and parading on a semi-circular podium. The girls all had number tags which facilitated their identification when patrons wanted them at their tables. It was a total meat show with the girls clad only in a skimpy white bikini, and since it was after all Bangkok, there were the girl-girls, and the boy-girls. There was this girl dressed in a white bikini with ruffles who was drop dead gorgeous. Peipei and I were drooling over her the entire night! I swear, if this weren't Patpong, I would never have questioned her gender. But a friend heard her speak and it turns out that she is of the latter category! Apart from being shocked, I conceded that if I ever lost a man to her, it would be without regrets. haha, yes, she is that hot.
At the end of the day, however, the whole experience at Patpong made me wonder what made those women stoop to working at a nightclub. I think it is not something that fortunate people like me, living in places with abundant material comforts, will ever understand. I went to see a tiger show as well, and it was fascinatingly disgusting. The emptiness in the eyes of the women performing was sobering cuz to us it is but a night, a show, an experience. But to them it is their life. I cannot imagine that kind of humiliation, both mental and physical, being inflicted on me night after night, endlessly. Honestly, I would rather die. But these women have found the courage to carry on living. These experiences have made me treasure the world I live in, where hunger is never involuntary, money is not a problem and all my needs (both emotional and material) are taken care of.
This trip to bangkok was filled with laughter, friendship, shopping and loads of fun. But beneath the elation was an undercurrent of sadness, pain and tears. Cliched as it may seem, I believe that things are never what they seem.
insatiable at 1:26 AM
Saturday, June 18, 2005
bangkok bound!
In less than 22 hrs, i'll be relaxing on the seat of a SAS plane bound for bangkok. It is almost unbelievable that we managed to book the flight at this price ($290 for 4 nights) when we only decided to go a couple of weeks back! For a couple of days we were so stressed about finding the best deal (aiyo, so singaporean!), and the best dates (chatuchak is a must right?). But finally, thanks to the stamina and willpower of all those involved, we managed to confirm everything and we're set to go! Kudos to Jimmy and Val who searched People's Park for the cheapest prices! =)Off I go to the land of food, shopping and sex! It goes without saying that I will only be enjoying only the first two of the attractions of Thailand, although I might be partial to watching a trans show. C'est la vie! My fingers are tingling in anticipation of the absurd amounts of shopping i will be up to. hee hee hee. With me n val there, Bangkok is ours! *muahahahaha* Somehow, i think the men are there just to protect us and to make sure we don't go insane from all the shopping and eating and more shopping. Oh well. =P
More on the trip when i come back, and perhaps photos as well. ciao~
insatiable at 12:31 AM
Friday, June 17, 2005
the "D" word.
I am a "pure blood": born to believers, bathed in the doctrine. I was raised to have 'unyielding faith' in the divinity of Christ, the omnipotence of God, and the sanctity of the Holy Bible. I can convince people that the God I speak of is the only one, and horrors will befall those who do not believe because he is 'the way, the truth and the light'.But yet, I have fallen prey to the "D" word. I cannot convince myself, I cannot quell the tides of Doubt.
What if the bible was written by man? Men with a political agenda?Should we take the bible literally? If so, what about the dinosaurs and the homo erectus-es? Is the Christian God the one and only God, or is that One God, and the different religions are merely different manifestations of the same God? Will all who do good and are moral go to Hell even if they don't believe? What if they have never heard of the gospel?
This is just the tip of the iceberg, but I have little wish to engage in a lengthy theological debate with myself.
However, I do believe that there is a God, a higher being that created the earth and mother nature in all its splendour and breath-taking beauty. Someone who decided how the little neutrons in everyone of us communicate with each other, how our digestion works, how breathing keeps us alive, how warm blood runs through our veins with every heartbeat. I don't think we could ever fully understand the miracle of the working of our bodies. It is the identity of this being i am confused about.
I am a contradiction. I understand the religion, and can argue convincingly for it. Yet, I am not convinced by the run of the mill answers to the above questions that I can churn out. As they say, the deeper you dig, the more shit you uncover. I am nineteen, my mid-life crisis CANNOT be happening now!
It's funny how, when you really sit down and think about things, everything can have a double meaning and can be interpreted differently. One event, one book, one person, can have such a profound impact on the way you view life. It is as if you opened a door which led to a corridor of "what ifs" and "why nots". Most people I know would rather not step into that corridor and into the unknown. They much prefer the monotony and safety of the room which they grew up in. Unfortunately, I abhor ignorance, and have opened the dreaded pandora's box.
Perhaps I will eventually find the truth, the holy grail of our era. But more likely, i will mellow with age, and settle with not knowing. After all, what harm is there in believing in the Christian God, when the rejecting of it might be certain damnation and a long spell in a very hot and extremely uncomfortable place? One day, maybe, I will tire of the search for the elusive truth and compromise by relying on faith not knowledge.
That day is most certainly not today. After all, I am only nineteen, and I still have the right to think that I'm invincible, I will live forever and that nothing is impossible.
insatiable at 2:06 AM
Friday, June 03, 2005
for once, please.
Is it ever ok to lie to someone you love?Telling a lie is a double edged sword. You may use it today to cut ties, responsibilities and burdens but one day, it might just come back to cut you and haunt you for forevermore. perhaps one day you will wake up, regreting the strong words u used on him, missing his company and the good times, but please oh please, at that very moment, don't forget about the way he put you down and manipulated you as if you were a little puppet. I know it is healthy to remember the happy times and forget about the ugly ones, but there is a lesson to be learnt from all the skinned knees in life. All you can do is pick yourself up and move on. That is what adults do, adults who are rational and mature. And those are things he has yet to fully learn and understand judging from his behavior in this whole debacle. He might have been all you had for a very very long time (in teenage terms), but there will be more who will sweep you off your feet and show you how it is like to really love and be loved.
There is always the risk that you will not be able to retrieve what you lost, but if that is what it takes to extract yourself out of a sticky and gruesome situation, then i say, so be it. Yes, gruesome. It is not an understatement.
why don't you stand up for YOURself, think of YOUR own happiness, love YOURself and preserve YOUR sanity for once?? does it pay to be so nice to a guy who is causing you endless trauma, tears and heartache? The answer is staring you in the face.
"you have to be cruel to be kind..."
By telling him it's over, you allow the healing process to begin. But you must be clear. There is no point being tactful and nice and accomodating and even, dare I say it, honest. So what if you still have feelings for him? Since you have made up your mind that you will only go back to him if Hell freezes over, then there is no point complicating the situation. Perhaps even, there is no need to lie. Just lay down the bare facts, so he has nothing to mull over and nitpick. There is no need to disclose of any further information. And then leave. And don't pick up his calls for at least a couple of months.
Why do you care so much about what people think? To quote from A Good Woman, "If you care so much about what other people think, what is the point of having thoughts of your own?" People will always believe what they want to believe. If your friends believe in you and your character, they will stand by you no matter what. If they don't, why bother with them? Why are you letting your community define you as a person?
Girl, whatever he said will blow away in time, if you end it once and for all. But if you don't, i fear for your mental health and your happiness. Cuz that is all that matters to me. That you are satisfied and happy with the way you are living your life. Why do you think i gave up telling you that he wasn't good enough for you during those long years that you weathered? It's just cuz i knew that being with him was enough for you and nothing else mattered.
Whatever you decide, i will be here for you. Take care, love ya. =)
insatiable at 1:45 AM
